Six weeks into the summer at camp and the living space of my soul feels unkempt and foreign. I am frustrated because I don't get to interact with the kids in the creative ways I loved best when I was a counselor. I am tired because I work with children all day and don't ever get enough sleep at night. I am sad because I am part of a program that causes me to be segregated a lot of the time from the rest of the community on staff. I am angry at myself because I can't seem to will myself to love and have grace with the person I work with every day as well as I would like to. I feel pressured because of the mistakes I have made at work and feel like I just cannot do a good enough job in my position. I am sick because I finally caught the plague that has been going around since staff training started 5 weeks ago, but don't have time to rest and really get better, so I trick myself into thinking I am better than I actually am. I am confused and unhappy because I don't have much time to spend in quiet and with God, and the few moments I get to spend alone, I don't even have enough energy or will to talk to him because I just need the silence and solitude to even function. I feel guilty because on the weekends my family and friends want to see me and do things - and I want to want to do things with them because I love them so much, but I don't really want to do anything because I am so incredibly drained that all I want to do is be as far away from people as possible and sleep and stare at walls and not think or feel or anything. I feel stupid because I want to talk to one of my bosses about the way I am feeling, but I can't really express why I feel the way I feel or what exactly it is that I feel, so it all seems so petty every time I think about talking to him. I feel longing for my Camden and the life I lived when I lived there. I long for the privilege of time and space to know and contemplate and understand my thoughts and emotions and actions. I long for the people I love to feel loved well by me. I long to feel like I've had enough sleep on a regular basis. I long for my family and friends to heal from their brokenness and find relationship to mend their loneliness.
Sometimes I feel as if my soul is a room that God and I share. It's a space to go where we alone can go. I like my room and like to spend a good deal of time there. I've gotten to know its intricacies and learned how things work and where they are. I've grown fond of it.
This summer has had plenty of beautiful moments. I am learning a lot. There are kids and adults both that I have the opportunity to love every day. It is good. I do not regret where I am and I want to be here. It's just that currently, I am experiencing the pain of feeling like the room has been neglected. It is dreary looking and has cobwebs in the corners. I am not so familiar with it as I once was, and that scares me.
I cried twice this weekend and did not know why. I think that is why.
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