Turn Around

So I half apologize for my catastrophic mess blog from a few weeks ago because it was probably a little bit excessively dramatic. But I only half apologize because that was how I was feeling and I was expressing myself authentically and I don't regret it. Mostly, I just hope it didn't bring you down.

At any rate, I am feeling a lot better this weekend. The week right after that low, we had the best group of campers ever to be in the highlands. They managed to be the most polite, respectful, thoughtful kids without being personality-less zombie suck-ups. Generally when Audrey and I get to the camp site to start the fire and get breakfast things ready, everyone is still sleeping and the counselors are just waking up, but that week, one tent of guys got up every morning so early that by the time Audrey and I got to the site, they were all dressed, had cleaned their hogan (the kind of platform tent we have) thoroughly, and were sitting around the log circle quietly conversing. We would pull up in the bus and they would greet us at the door to ask if we needed help with anything. The entire group of campers were this way every day, all week long. They all listened to directions the first time around and were incredibly creative and hilarious. They included and encouraged each other really well and none of them were homesick.

During the camp week I sometimes teach campers different kinds of knots. Generally half the kids get bored or frustrated in the first five minutes because they all learn at different paces and there is only one of me to help each one. This group took to them well and one of the campers made a see-saw out of a log, a tree, and two of the knots he learned.

They knew when to be quiet and when to be crazy, we went rock-climbing on the very first day and they quickly learned how to trust each other and trust us. And we trusted them.

I dunno. It was just what I needed. So refreshing. I'm feeling worlds better.

This past week was all boys. One of the counselors told the guys that for every bug they ate during the week, I would eat one as well. I ate two giant crickets the size of my thumb covered in chocolate. And then a bunch of other smaller bugs. Mmm, protein. :)

This upcoming week is Mudapalooza, my all time favorite program in the highlands. I've been stirring up the mud pit all week long and I'm so excited.

Laundry Chutes

They say you learn something new everyday.

Today I learned that laundry chutes have been made illegal. This is bogus. Sometimes there are laws that kill more joy than anything else. That is definitely one of them. 

The Catastrophic Mess Inside Me

Six weeks into the summer at camp and the living space of my soul feels unkempt and foreign. I am frustrated because I don't get to interact with the kids in the creative ways I loved best when I was a counselor. I am tired because I work with children all day and don't ever get enough sleep at night. I am sad because I am part of a program that causes me to be segregated a lot of the time from the rest of the community on staff. I am angry at myself because I can't seem to will myself to love and have grace with the person I work with every day as well as I would like to. I feel pressured because of the mistakes I have made at work and feel like I just cannot do a good enough job in my position. I am sick because I finally caught the plague that has been going around since staff training started 5 weeks ago, but don't have time to rest and really get better, so I trick myself into thinking I am better than I actually am. I am confused and unhappy because I don't have much time to spend in quiet and with God, and the few moments I get to spend alone, I don't even have enough energy or will to talk to him because I just need the silence and solitude to even function. I feel guilty because on the weekends my family and friends want to see me and do things - and I want to want to do things with them because I love them so much, but I don't really want to do anything because I am so incredibly drained that all I want to do is be as far away from people as possible and sleep and stare at walls and not think or feel or anything. I feel stupid because I want to talk to one of my bosses about the way I am feeling, but I can't really express why I feel the way I feel or what exactly it is that I feel, so it all seems so petty every time I think about talking to him. I feel longing for my Camden and the life I lived when I lived there. I long for the privilege of time and space to know and contemplate and understand my thoughts and emotions and actions. I long for the people I love to feel loved well by me. I long to feel like I've had enough sleep on a regular basis. I long for my family and friends to heal from their brokenness and find relationship to mend their loneliness.

Sometimes I feel as if my soul is a room that God and I share. It's a space to go where we alone can go. I like my room and like to spend a good deal of time there. I've gotten to know its intricacies and learned how things work and where they are. I've grown fond of it.

This summer has had plenty of beautiful moments. I am learning a lot. There are kids and adults both that I have the opportunity to love every day. It is good. I do not regret where I am and I want to be here. It's just that currently, I am experiencing the pain of feeling like the room has been neglected. It is dreary looking and has cobwebs in the corners. I am not so familiar with it as I once was, and that scares me.

I cried twice this weekend and did not know why. I think that is why.

Gaga

During my time off today I made a GaGa court with Diane, the craziest, most amazing 62 year old lady in the world. (She gave me a piggyback ride the other day.) If you don't know what GaGa is, you should do something about that.

I only had about 20 hours off for the weekend and didn't think it'd be a very restful way to spend my short amount of time off, but it ended up being better for my soul than I thought and I'm so glad it happened. We probably sweat the entire water content out of our bodies and we made our fair share of stupid mistakes, but we peed our pants laughing about them and it was just wholistically fun. :)