I'm sitting in Emmaus at Casowasco by the fireplace right now because I started off the morning at home sitting on the kitchen floor losing my shit. My resolve to sabbath for the weekend was being completely overpowered by the demons in my head that were listing off all of the things I must accomplish and shaming me for thinking rest was the best use of my time. Adam suggested I come with him to New York for his fantasy football weekend and just do my own thing since home did not seem like a conducive place for resting. So here I am.
These are some things I am grateful for right now:
1. Having a partner that advocates for me when I'm not advocating for myself.
2. Literature. The power of stories as a respite and a source of life.
3. Reminders that sometimes choosing to think about what will give me pleasure and choosing that thing is not an irresponsible life choice.
4. Animal crackers, cookie dough, and hot apple cider. All three of which I bought at the grocery store this evening because they would bring me pleasure. (Though I would also like to remind my future self that after having a little bit of each I would have been happy with just one nostalgic snack rather than two.)
5. Yoga. Which also sometimes helps me come back to myself. Especially when I do it with friends.
6. Solitude, silence, and fireplaces. Separately they're all great but having them together is even better.
7. Poems. Reading them. And when I give myself permission, writing them.
Here I am again
asking the same question.
If the better choice
is to sit at your feet,
how will all the work get done?
But you do not argue
the importance of the work.
the importance of the work.
You just invite me to sit.
Fine.
Five minutes, I say.
Then back to work.
My knees sink down
into the gritty rug.
That will need to be shaken out, I think.
The lines of dirt from your sandals
are before my eyes,
Which reminds me that I will need to
show you to the wash room.
Did I leave clean towels on your bed?
I always forget the towels.
It continues on like this,
being pulled magnetically
to all that must happen
before I'll be ready to be with you.
At some point I look up
to let you know I must move on
being pulled magnetically
to all that must happen
before I'll be ready to be with you.
At some point I look up
to let you know I must move on
before I forget all the
very important things
very important things
and I notice for the first time
that you have been ready,
waiting for me all along.
And I could not even give you five minutes.
And I could not even give you five minutes.
Here I am again
asking the same question.
If the better choice
is to get all the work done
how will I sit at your feet?
