Lately I've been doing some casual "what is the meaning of it all" thinking. I live what many others consider to be a pretty counter-cultural life, but really it's pretty mundane and far from noble. Living in Camden has done a lot for me in terms of exercising my awareness of privilege and systemic injustice, but I don't know what, if anything, it has done for my neighbors. I look at the time I've spent here and while I increasingly care about Camden the more I spend time here, I have yet to fall in love with this place. We have no plans to leave, but in some ways it's deflating to feel like we've chosen some hard things and sacrifices that may not be achieving many of the goals we hoped to achieve.
Either way, Adam and I seem to be in a space in life where we are living as less vibrant versions of ourselves. I think we'll work that out, but as I figure out how to walk well through this season, I've been recalling times in my life where I felt more vibrant, and one thing that comes up is the use of this blog in college. I felt more in touch with creativity at that point in my life. There's something nice about a space where people can read my thoughts if they want to but mostly no one does. Kind of like a good camping spot that only a few people know about. I used to be able to write and be pretty sure that my friend Kevin would read and sometimes respond with an email containing some little ponderings in response. He has since died, and writing here makes me wish he was still able to respond, but also feels a bit cathartic and makes me feel a little closer. Miss you, K-Dizzle.
Anyway, I got a newsletter from an old artist friend and at the bottom of it was a Top 10 list of random things so that we could see what she's looking at, listening to, eating, thinking about, reading, etc. for a touch of insight into her art. That's what brought me back to this blog. I think that sort of thing is what this blog used to do for me and the sort of thing that helps me notice my life a bit more - to keep closer to consciousness the things that provide vibrancy, touch on my creativity, and draw me toward consolation/toward God.
Here's my Top 10:
- Building campfires
- Rainer Maria Rilke
- Being inside in warm clothes after being outdoors in the rain for awhile.
- Organizing; spreadsheets; creating systems that make things better
- Sitting in a crowded bus with Adam laughing so hard we cry at the video of this dolphin body slamming a paddle boarder.
- Lavender syrup in lattes & the smell of hot apple cider
- This quote by Thomas Merton:
“There is a pervasive form of contemporary violence to which the idealist most easily succumbs: activism and overwork. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.” - Memories of the Oregon Extension
- Spiritual direction
- Conversations that happen in long car rides alone with Adam
