Feminism. Gross. That word makes me shudder inside. If feminism was a tangible object, I would probably run as far away from it as I could. For me, it brings to mind women who frequently bash men, but have raging sex lives. It looks like long flowy skirts, obsessions with earrings, and judgmental conversation. It conjures up images of women who flaunt their bodies, wear low-cut shirts and shape or shave off every hair on their body and say they should be free to do so, to express their femininity. But who designed that femininity? Do they really think they’re free?
I know this is not really what feminism is, but much like the church leaves a sour taste for some people, feminism doesn’t sit right with me. Thus, when we were invited to a women’s lunch this week, I inwardly rolled my eyes and prepared to bear an hour of irrelevant estrogen-filled nothingness.
Yet when I walked out of Nancy’s house at the end of that hour, I was pissed. Not with what was said, but with myself, because everything that was said in that living room was true about me. Everything. And up until Tuesday, I had been bullshitting myself into thinking that I was free from all problems gender-related.
The topic of conversation was competition, but we talked about a lot of things. We talked about how almost everything we do is based on our desire to prove ourselves to men – in work, in school, in everything. Because of this, we give the words of men a lot more weight in our lives than the words of women. I know that for me, a compliment from ten girls is the equivalent of a compliment from one guy. Even if it’s my brother. I hate to admit that’s true, but it is.
We talked about dichotomies and how we’re always expected to fit one end of the spectrum – feminine or masculine, gay or straight, girly or tomboy. It’s not really okay to fall somewhere in the middle. Under the male gaze, we’re taught to step back, to be perpetually self-conscious about our ideas and our image, realizing that if we are too confident and free from that gaze, we may not be considered anymore. Affirmation from men becomes a source of worth and validation, and that worth seems to be a limited resource – something we have to compete for.
I left the conversation feeling really frustrated. I don’t even really know what it means to be feminine. It bugs me when guys offer to carry things for me. God gave me biceps. I can carry it myself, thank you very much. I don’t wear makeup. My long hair is gone and I only shave my legs when I feel like it. I like wrestling just as much as I like hugs. I really like soul-searching conversations and brokenness, but I also like burping and poop jokes. I have an extreme dislike for dresses and an even greater dislike for the fact that I have to wear one, along with eyeliner, before a guy will tell me I’m pretty.
I’m not really sure what to do with any of that. I don’t always fit with a dichotomy, and sometimes I feel like I lack an identity because of it. What does the world see me as? What do men see me as, and why do I care so much? I hate the way we’ve been socialized to understand gender roles. By society’s standards, I can’t partake in eating contests and be an emotional creature at the same time.
On a slightly different note, as I was thinking about all of this, I realized that men need to be part of this conversation – that maybe we shouldn’t be having a women’s group, but a gender-discussion group. Or at the very least, the guys need a place for conversation as well.
Often, when I have been at events (usually church youth group) where guys and girls split up to talk, all the guys ever came back having talked about was porn, masturbation, and sex. Those are important topics to discuss, I’m sure, but I cannot believe that guys are just shallow sex machines. And the struggle of male gender identity has to be more than just learning that you don’t have to be ripped or that it’s okay to cry.
When I lived in Camden, I realized my whiteness for the first time. It’s not a bad thing, and I had to learn not to be frustrated at myself for it, but regardless, there are important conversations that need to be had over what a white identity even is and what it means for living life alongside people that are not white. The same idea can be applied to being a male. Majorities often need to talk about their issues just as much as minorities do. It’s just that the majority has the privilege of not noticing that they have issues in the first place.
At any rate, I still really don’t like the word “feminism”. Who knows. Maybe I’ll learn to like it someday. But right now, I’m more concerned with simply learning to embrace the fact that I’m a woman, and exploring what that even means. And I want it to be a joint effort – men and women casting off socially-created gender roles to find something more real and life-giving and freeing.
2 comments:
Perhaps God created those gender roles for a reason? Females have the nurturing instinct. The softer, gentler side. Males have the protector instinct. The need to provide for their families. I do take issue with the need for women to always feel like they need to do anything and everything that men do. I prefer my female role of wife and mom.
That being said, I think that certain things like shaving, wearing makeup, wearing dresses, etc are all things that shouldn't be a requirement for being "feminine". I do shave my legs, but only because the hair bothers me when it gets too long. But, I certainly don't shave daily.
But, there are people who do things because it makes them feel good about themselves. That's perfectly fine by me. But, I also think that people should not be scorned for choosing to do things "out of the norm".
As for males only thinking about sexual topics, I think that changes as men get older. As you get older, you'll find that more and more men will be thinking more about jobs, family, their role in society, rather than solely about their sexual experiences. Sure, there will be men who never mature past that, but I will guess that there are a good deal of men who do get to that higher level of maturity. Never settle for someone who doesn't respect you or love you for who you are, where you are at, and no matter what you look like.
I do want to say that you need to be who you are. A quote I came across lately and is at the bottom of my e-mail: "Be Yourself. Everyone else is taken."
Love,
Little Big Sis
This...
"Perhaps God created those gender roles for a reason? Females have the nurturing instinct. The softer, gentler side. Males have the protector instinct. The need to provide for their families. I do take issue with the need for women to always feel like they need to do anything and everything that men do...."
this...
"That being said, I think that certain things like shaving, wearing makeup, wearing dresses, etc are all things that shouldn't be a requirement for being "feminine".... I also think that people should not be scorned for choosing to do things "out of the norm"."
and this:
"As for males only thinking about sexual topics, I think that changes as men get older. As you get older, you'll find that more and more men will be thinking more about jobs, family, their role in society, rather than solely about their sexual experiences. Sure, there will be men who never mature past that, but I will guess that there are a good deal of men who do get to that higher level of maturity. Never settle for someone who doesn't respect you or love you for who you are, where you are at, and no matter what you look like."
On a side note, I have been thinking about this a lot lately, myself, and I'm strongly considering not shaving my legs, because I don't want to, and the only reason I ever have is because I care WAYYY too much what people think, and I'm trying to get over that. Trying.
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